The Dreamer's Pen

Dear Me,

I owe you the deepest, most heartfelt apology, one long overdue.

I have spent years speaking to you in ways I would never speak to someone I love. I have stood before the mirror, dissecting you, tearing you down, accusing you of failure simply because you changed. I have waged war against you, as though my worth could be measured by the inches of my waist, the numbers on a scale, the way clothes fit or didn’t fit. I have looked at you with disgust instead of grace.

And I was so, so cruel.

When my stomach began to expand, I didn’t ask why, I assumed the worst. I blamed you. I labeled myself lazy, undisciplined, unworthy. Each week, the numbers on the scale increased, so I pushed you harder, forced you into exhaustion with brutal workouts that left you shaking, aching, depleted. I changed my diet constantly, cutting things out, restricting, punishing myself for every bite, believing that if I could just regain control, I could undo what I saw as a personal failure. I fought against you with everything I had, refusing to listen, refusing to acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, you weren’t the enemy.

And all that time, I had no idea.
I didn’t know that a dermoid cyst was silently growing inside me, pressing against my organs, altering my body in ways I couldn’t always see or understand.

I didn’t know that my kidneys were struggling under the pressure, that they were backing up, unable to function properly. That the weight I was gaining wasn’t just fat. It was fluid, water retention, distress signals from a body that was desperately trying to keep me alive. I didn’t know that a mass the size of a large watermelon had taken root in my abdomen, shifting my insides, demanding space, altering the very shape I was punishing myself for.

And instead of listening, instead of trusting you, I attacked you.

I pushed you to your limits, tore you apart with words sharper than any scalpel. I whispered things in the mirror that no one should ever have to hear. I convinced myself that I was unworthy of love, of confidence, of feeling good in my own skin. I thought I had failed you, when all along, you were fighting for me.

I am so, so sorry.

I see you now. I see all that you have endured, all that you have carried me through. I see the way you kept me going, even when I was working against you. I see the resilience in every scar, every curve, every change. And I understand now, you have never been the problem.

I was.

I was the one who bought into the lie that my value could be found in a clothing tag. I was the one who let shame take root, who let fear turn into self-hate. I was the one who ignored every cry for help because I was too consumed with what I thought I should look like instead of what I needed to heal.
But here’s the truth I know now:

I was beautiful as a size 8. I was beautiful as a 10. I was beautiful as a 12. I was beautiful as a 14. I was beautiful as a 16. And I am beautiful now, as an 18.

I am so mad at myself and hurt.
My worth has never been measured in numbers. My body has never been something to fix. My beauty has never been dependent on how small I could make myself. I am not less because I take up more space. I am not weak because my body has changed. I am not a failure because I look different than I once did.

I should have always seen my body as something to be cherished, not condemned. I should have celebrated all that it has carried me through, instead of punishing it for surviving.

And now, I choose to do just that.

This Friday, I will have surgery to remove this cyst, to free my body from this burden it has carried for so long. And as I go through this next chapter of healing, I will not forget the promises I have made.

I promise to listen to you. To honor you. To nourish you. To thank you. Not to change you, but to support you.

I promise never to punish you again for the natural shifts and seasons of life. I will not see softness as weakness or change as failure. I will not fill my mind with the same cruel words I have for too long allowed to take root.

I promise to replace judgment with understanding, cruelty with kindness, shame with love.

I forgive myself for not knowing. And I choose, from this moment forward, to move through life with love, respect, and gratitude, for myself, for my body, for everything that I am.

With all my heart,
Me