The Dreamer's Pen

Being an INFJ feels like existing in a world that isn’t quite made for you. We’re the dreamers, the idealists, the ones who are wired to understand people’s pain, often before they even realize it themselves. We seek to help, to heal, and to guide others through their darkest times, sometimes without even being asked. Our natural ability to empathize is a gift, but it’s also a vulnerability, one that narcissists know how to exploit.

Narcissistic abuse isn’t always obvious at first. It often begins like a slow burn, one that creeps under your skin until you realize you’ve been emotionally suffocated. When you’re an INFJ, it’s easy to get caught up in someone else’s needs, to want to help them, to believe that you can make a difference. You might find yourself in relationships where you feel this overwhelming responsibility to “save” someone, but over time, that sense of responsibility morphs into something darker.

Narcissists are experts at exploiting people like us. They know we want to see the best in people, that we believe in second chances, and that we long for deep, meaningful connections. So, they start by giving us what we crave: attention, admiration, and affection. They might shower us with praise, tell us we’re special, or even make us feel like we’re the only ones who truly understand them. This is called love-bombing.

But then, the shift begins. The admiration turns into criticism, the kindness into cruelty. They start playing mind games, manipulating situations so that we’re left questioning ourselves. They gaslight us, making us doubt our own reality. It’s subtle at first, like when they say something hurtful, then quickly backtrack with, “I didn’t mean it that way. You’re being too sensitive.” They may even accuse us of being “too emotional” when we try to express how we feel, invalidating our experiences. Over time, we begin to doubt our intuition, the one thing that’s usually so sharp, because they’ve made us question everything.

As Lauren Sapala, a writer and coach who deeply understands the INFJ experience, writes, “INFJs are often the ones who carry the emotional weight for others without even realizing how much it’s taking out of them.” This emotional labor becomes especially damaging in a narcissistic relationship, where the narcissist takes without ever giving in return.

For an INFJ, this can be especially damaging. Our intuition is our guiding light, and when it’s clouded by someone else’s manipulation, we lose our sense of self. We become confused, wondering if maybe we really are too emotional, too sensitive, too dramatic. We may even convince ourselves that we’re the problem, not the person who is hurting us.

One of the cruelest tactics narcissists use is isolating their victims. As an INFJ, you likely value deep, intimate connections with a select few people. Narcissists will often target this need for closeness, exploiting it to separate you from your support network. They might subtly turn you against friends or family, accusing them of not understanding you the way they do. Over time, you find yourself more and more alone, unable to turn to others for help because you’ve been made to believe that no one else will get you the way they do.

They also begin the process of devaluation. What was once admiration is now criticism. They pick apart your every word and action, using your vulnerabilities against you. They will say things like, “You’re not as special as you think,” or “No one else will ever love you the way I do.” Slowly, they wear you down until you begin to believe them. You start questioning your worth, your purpose, and whether you’ll ever be good enough for anyone, let alone them. Your sense of identity, the very thing that once made you strong and unique, begins to crumble.

In the words of Sapala, “INFJs tend to internalize other people’s perceptions of them, which makes them particularly vulnerable to toxic relationships.” Narcissists are able to manipulate this tendency, distorting your self-image and leaving you questioning your very identity.

Narcissistic abuse doesn’t always leave bruises you can see, but it leaves scars that run deep. The constant cycle of emotional highs and lows takes its toll. There are moments when they’ll sweep you up in a whirlwind of affection, making you feel like you’re the only person in the world. But then, just as quickly, the love turns cold. You’re left wondering what went wrong, trying to analyze every word and gesture to figure out how you fell short. It’s exhausting. Over time, you begin to lose touch with your own feelings, focusing so much on theirs that you forget who you are.

Lauren Sapala, in one of her articles, explains how INFJs often end up “losing themselves in relationships,” and it’s true. We get so invested in caring for others that we stop caring for ourselves. Narcissists take advantage of this, wearing us down emotionally until we’re nothing but a shadow of who we once were.

I’ve been there. Multiple times. I’ve loved deeply, giving everything I had to someone who claimed to need me. I’ve bent over backward to try and help them, to be the person they wanted me to be, only to realize that nothing I did would ever be enough. The blame was always mine. Their cruelty became my fault. Their insecurities became my responsibility. The more I gave, the less I received, until I found myself empty, drained, and questioning everything.

For an INFJ, breaking free from narcissistic abuse can feel like trying to step out of a fog. When you’ve been in it for so long, it becomes hard to see the world clearly. But the first step in healing is recognizing the abuse for what it is. You are not too sensitive, too emotional, or too demanding. You are human. Your feelings are valid. You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and love—not as a source of supply for someone else’s ego.

In time, you’ll find that your worth is not defined by how someone treats you, but by who you are at your core. You can rebuild your trust in yourself and in your intuition. And most importantly, you can learn to protect yourself from people who seek to manipulate and control your heart.

As Lauren Sapala wisely says, “It’s important for INFJs to develop a strong sense of self-worth so that they can walk away from relationships that are unhealthy for them.” We are not here to save others. We are here to guide and nurture, but we must also learn to protect ourselves from those who would drain us dry. We deserve relationships that honor our depth, our integrity, and our inherent worth.

Remember, no one can take your light unless you allow them to.