The Dreamer's Pen

It’s a cozy Friday night, and I’m curled up in my jammies with a pumpkin spice latte I made at home on my new espresso maker (Thanks Dad!) Making my own lattes feels like such a win! Saving money, tasting amazing, and filling my space with that warm, cozy pumpkin spice aroma. I’ve got a candle going, the original Night Court playing on TV, and I’m sketching some art on my iPad. Nights like this are my favorite. The world slows down, everything smells nice, and I finally feel like I can breathe after a long week.

And wow, this week has been exhausting. Work has been intense, and on top of everything else, I had to give a big presentation in front of over 100 students. It went really well (I’m proud of myself), but the prep was draining. Printing, collating packets by hand, organizing everything, and still helping students who were walking into my office nonstop. I’m glad it’s behind me, and I’m so thankful for this long weekend ahead.

I actually left work early today and decided to treat myself to a proper baked potato dinner, baked in the oven the right way. I topped it with a little broccoli and some chili, and it was so simple but so good. It felt like the perfect comfort food after a long week.

This weekend, I’m doing a couple of things I’ve never done before, which makes me excited. Tomorrow, I’m going to a paint and sip where I’ll be painting the night sky while sipping some wine. And on Sunday, I’m heading to a horse race, totally new for me, but it sounds thrilling. I love weekends like this, when you can mix relaxation with a little adventures.

This past week, the weather has been so unusual. It’s been hot, hazy, and even a little humid, which I do not like at all. And today? Cloudy, hot, humid, and just icky. Humidity is one of the most uncomfortable things to me. I don’t like feeling sticky or like the air is heavy.

Give me dry heat any day, or even better, dry cold. I love those crisp winter mornings when it snows overnight, and the next day you wake up to bright sunshine, no clouds in the sky, and that cold, refreshing air hitting your face while the ground sparkles. That’s perfect weather to me. On the other extreme, I also love a dry, warm day, where it feels golden and clean and everything just glows. It’s funny, because I’m a native Washingtonian, but I really don’t love the six months of gray we get here. In a previous post, I wrote about how that might even connect to some of my past trauma and how I struggle with seasonal depression. It just wears on me after a while.

Thinking back to when I was a kid, I loved being outside no matter the season. I’d climb trees in the rain, jump in puddles, and play in the mud. Nothing could keep me indoors. But now, for some reason, in the fall and winter I just feel miserable when I’m drenched in cold, wet, icky weather. Maybe that’s just part of being an adult. I sometimes wonder if my perspective would shift if I had kids, maybe I’d find that childlike joy in the rain again.

Don’t get me wrong, I do think rain can be incredibly romantic, especially at night. There’s something stunning about watching the raindrops fall, listening to the soft, rhythmic sound, and feeling that intimate, quiet energy. It’s sexy, cozy, and even cinematic. But for me, the problem is those long, gray Western Washington days where there’s barely enough daylight. You go to work in the dark, come home in the dark, and it’s cold and raining the whole time. Day after day, that kind of weather just becomes depressing. A rainy night, however, is a different story! It’s moody, romantic, and has this film-noir kind of energy that I love. It’s beautiful, sultry, and makes you want to slow down and savor the moment.

Summer, on the other hand, is full of light and possibility. What I love most are bonfires and looking at the stars; it’s relaxing and romantic. And if you know anything about me, you know I’m very romantic!! 🥰 I can make any situation romantic if I look at it the right way. Even a simple evening can feel magical if you set it up with the right mindset.

Fall and winter are my favorites for cozying up indoors. I love putting on the fireplace, sitting in front of it, and just soaking in the warmth and the beautiful red glow of the bricks. My dog usually curls up next to me, taking a nap, and it just adds to the perfect, quiet vibe. There’s something so comforting about putting on cozy clothes, sipping hot chocolate, and just relaxing by the fire, it’s simple, but it feels like a little bit of magic every time.

One of my favorite things is how sunlight transforms the world, especially in summer. When it hits the leaves and grass and everything turns that vibrant, almost neon chartreuse green!! I swear, that color makes me feel alive. It’s actually one of my favorite colors, so much so that I bought chartreuse blankets for my recliner. I know that sounds a little wild, but I love how cheerful and bright it makes my space.

Right now, I’m slowly shifting my house into autumn mode, but unlike most people, my fall décor isn’t all pumpkins and muted oranges. Instead, I bring out jewel tones and sunny yellows mixed with greens. I’ve got sunflowers out, little pops of yellow, deep teals, purples, and rich reds. Surrounding myself with rich, vibrant tones makes me feel grounded but also inspired.

Sometimes I like to think about how I’ve changed over the decades of my adult life, because honestly, each one has been so different.

In my 20s, I was extremely lost, probably the worst version of myself. My self esteem was very low, and I constantly looked for reassurance and approval from others. As an INFJ, I think this is pretty common when we’re younger. We struggle with identity and self-worth, and we so badly want to be understood and accepted. I spent a lot of time trying to fit in and trying to get people to like me, but most of the time it just left me burned, over and over again.

My 30s have been much better in many ways, but they also came with a lot of tragedy and challenges. COVID turned the world upside down, and in the midst of that, my mom passed away. On top of that, I had some family fallouts that were really painful at the time (though thankfully, many of those relationships have since been resolved). It was a decade of growing up fast, learning to handle loss, and realizing how precious time really is.

Now, as I’m in my very late 30s, I feel so much more secure with who I am. I don’t seek approval from anyone anymore, I simply don’t need it. I feel confident in myself, in what I bring to the table, and in how I move through the world. I can honestly say that as I inch toward my 40s, I feel more grounded, self-assured, and true to myself than ever before.

Lately, I’ve been really focused on my health. I’ve changed my diet and started tracking calories, keeping it around 1500–1700 a day. My goal is to lose about 60 pounds by next summer. People often tell me it doesn’t look like I need to lose that much, but for me it’s about health, longevity, and feeling strong as I head into my 40s.

Being German, my mom’s side of the family all ended up with type 2 diabetes, and I know a lot of that comes down to diet but some of it is genetics. Bread has always been a staple. It’s on the table with almost every meal. I often still find myself having a slice of bread with dinner without even thinking about it. I guess it’s the same for some Asian cultures with rice, or in Slavic countries where dark, hearty bread is a must have. It’s just built into the way you eat. My mom was always tall and slender, but she still ended up with diabetes and later had a stroke in her 60s. I think about her every day, and it motivates me to take care of myself now so I don’t end up on the same path.

My focus moving forward is to maintain good bone density, keep my muscles strong, and, yes, vainly keep my appearance up as I enter my 40s. Back when I was more muscular but still had a little softness, I felt like my body was at its best, I had that snatched hourglass figure. Soft and strong. That’s the natural shape of my body, and I’ve always appreciated it. But more than anything, I want to age with strength, confidence, and resilience. Keeping up with exercise and muscle building feels like the key to that.

I also splurged recently and purchased a Japanese rice cooker. I’ve always made rice on the stove, and honestly, it’s never been an issue my rice always comes out fine. But there have been days when I wanted rice and I just didn’t feel like standing there, watching a pot cook. I was tired, hungry, and craving perfect rice without the effort.

Enter the Neuro Fuzzy rice cooker. Yes, it was expensive. It definitely caused a bit of sticker shock but let me tell you, it has been phenomenal. I’ve made so much rice over the past couple of weeks, and it’s come out perfectly every time. I especially love the “keep warm” feature, and the extended keep warm option is a game changer. I can set it at five in the morning before work, and when I come home around 5:30 in the evening, it’s ready and warm. It’s honestly such a little luxury in my life, and the small size is perfect for me.

Even my dog Chewy tested the rice, and he loved it!! He can be picky sometimes, but this rice got a tail wag of approval. It’s funny how something as simple as perfectly cooked rice can feel like such a treat. Little comforts like this really make life feel cozy and satisfying, especially after a long, exhausting week.

Tonight, I’m just soaking it all in, my cozy little space, my latte, my art, the warmth of my home, and the feeling of being able to rest after giving so much of myself this week. I’m grateful for the long weekend ahead, for the new experiences waiting this Saturday and Sunday, and for these small luxuries that make life feel rich and full.

Between the candlelight, the blanket on my recliner, and Chewy curled up beside me, I feel grounded and thankful. Life has had its challenges, and I’ve grown a lot over the years, from the lost, insecure 20s to the transformative 30s and now feeling confident and secure in my late 30s. I love reflecting on the past while still savoring the present and looking forward to the future.

Here’s to cozy Friday nights, embracing all the seasons of life, and finding joy, warmth, and a little romance in every corner of your world. 🌙✨