The Dreamer's Pen

Today turned out to be a really stormy day. It feels like fall now, especially after a warm, sunny weekend. The wind was blowing , the rain was pouring, and the leaves were falling all over the ground.

Honestly, it’s kind of beautiful if you actually stop and look. Normally, I’m not a huge fan of fall—but today, it hit me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about façades lately. For so long, I had this version of myself that I showed the world. The “acceptable” me. The one who would fit in, be liked, avoid conflict. Trauma shaped it, fear shaped it, and I guess I thought I needed it to be safe. It was my cocoon. And yeah, it protected me, helped me survive, but it also kept me from being fully known, even to myself.

I notice other people live behind façades too, but in a different way. Some people do everything they can to fit in, to be liked, and to keep up with the crowd.

They buy what everyone else buys, say what everyone else says, chase what society says is success. Those people tend to get ahead, because they play by the rules so well. And that’s fine, I guess. I mean it works for them.

But that’s just not me. I’ve realized I don’t need to be like that. I’m my own person. I’m an individual. I like being quirky and different. I don’t need to keep up with the Joneses.

And today at work, something weird and amazing happened. I was laughing with a student, and I felt the façade crack. I mean, really crack. Genuine laughter bubbled up between us, and in that moment, I felt completely like myself! I am emerging – a moth chasing the moonlight – Free, light, and totally unguarded. Not performative. Not calculated. Just me. And it was such a good feeling.

Speaking of moths…yeah, there’s this huge moth that flew into my house the other day. I’ve always thought moths were kind of creepy – especially the way they fly erratically freaks me out. But they’re also amazing because they follow the moon. This one has been sitting on my wall for a few days now and I’ve just been quietly admiring it. It looks like tree bark, its wings are beautiful, it’s huge and kind of majestic.

Every once in a while, it flicks its wings, and it gives me a little jolt of anxiety but I know it’s harmless and just resting in my house. I wish I could pick it up and hold it but I don’t want to hurt it. I just love watching it. Moths are basically nighttime butterflies who love the moon, just like me…except that flight still scares the crap out of me, haha.

There’s something about this moth that feels like me right now. The way it’s beautiful, a little scary and moving toward the light on its own terms. I feel like I’m coming out of my own cocoon, the façade that protected me cracking open and letting the real me emerge. Not always graceful, not always easy, but it’s happening. And it’s amazing.

After work, I dug through some old cookbooks and found one from 2006 that my mom’s employer put together. I remember helping her with it, all the staff and faculty at her elementary school contributed their favorite recipes. We contribute several of ours including banana bread.

I happened to have a bunch of bananas, so I made some today. It’s beautiful and delicious, and it just connected me to that simpler time, those small, meaningful joys.

Stormy days, falling leaves, shared laughter, moths, old cookbooks, and banana bread! They all remind me that life has layers. Even the parts that were hard or dark shaped me and helped me get to this point. Watching the façade crack and seeing the real me step forward is like that first light of dawn after a long night. It’s quiet, powerful, and breathtaking. And most importantly, it’s mine.