The Dreamer's Pen

I had to take the day off today. My stomach has been upset, and I just couldn’t push through it like I usually do. While lying in bed, I realized I’ve fallen back into some old patterns. The kind where I eat out of convenience instead of intention. I’ve been grabbing what’s easy and not taking the time to really nourish my body.

So today became a reset day.

I kept things simple with rice, toast, and rest. Slowly I started to feel better, and as I rested, I started thinking more clearly about how I’ve been treating myself. And before I go any further, I know I’ve said this before. Probably even in another post. About wanting to get healthy again, to reset, to make changes. But sometimes we have to remind ourselves more than once. Maybe this time it will really stick.

Before I was on medication for PTSD, I lived with constant anxiety. It controlled me, but it also fueled me. It gave me this motor that never stopped running. It made me focused, determined, and probably a little obsessive.

Back then I was in great shape. I worked out every day. I ate clean. I was vegetarian. I tracked my macros religiously and knew exactly what my body needed. I understood how to work out, how to eat, how to take care of myself. I knew what to do, and I did it because that drill sergeant in my head. My anxiety was always pushing me.

Now that voice is gone.

And while that’s such a relief, it’s also made things harder. I’ve slowed down a lot. Sometimes I even think I’ve gotten lazy. But really, I’m just trying to figure out how to move forward without fear being the thing that drives me.

That question has been sitting with me lately.

I don’t know why I’ve been eating more calories than I should. Maybe it’s for comfort? Maybe it’s pure laziness. It’s frustrating, because I know better. I understand macros. I understand what my body needs. I know exactly how to fuel myself in a healthy way.I think what’s interesting is how much the PTSD used to be my propeller. It was my motor, my drill sergeant, my everything. It pushed me to be on top of things all the time. Now that it’s gone, it’s harder to find that same energy.But there are no excuses. There are people out there who’ve never had PTSD or anxiety and they’re doing amazing things for their bodies and their health. If they can do it without that inner push, then I can too.

As I rested today, I realized this next chapter is going to look different. I can’t rely on anxiety to fuel me anymore. I have to build from a place of calm and care.I know what I need to do. I just need to do it with consistency and compassion. One change I’m making is keeping meat and fish in my diet. While I do take an iron supplement, my iron levels are low and I’m anemic. I’ve been freezing lately, especially now that the temperatures are dropping. My body needs more support, and I’m ready to listen to it.

I’m almost forty, and I want to go into this next decade feeling good. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too. This isn’t about losing weight or chasing a number. It’s about coming home to my body. It’s about listening when it whispers instead of waiting until it starts to shout.

So here I am, starting again.

I know I’ve said this before, but maybe that’s okay. Maybe we all need to reset more than once. Each time, a little more aware, a little more ready. This is my reset. Not out of guilt. Not out of anxiety. But out of care.