The Dreamer's Pen

I keep thinking about how I thought life would be. When I was a kid, I imagined this perfect sparkling version of adulthood. I would be a world famous musician, performing in beautiful concert halls wearing gowns that shimmered under the lights. I’d have this brilliantly talented musician husband and together we’d travel the world performing, creating beauty, and maybe even changing the world through music. We’d live in a penthouse in New York City. Life would be easy, beautiful, peaceful. And I would be happy.

But life doesn’t care about our plans. Life doesn’t care what we imagine.

I’m not famous. I’m not performing for thousands of people. I’m a casual classical musician. I still love to play when I can, with small chamber groups that make my heart feel full. My husband is a musician too, though he doesn’t play much anymore. We don’t travel the world performing together. Our lives went in a completely different direction than I imagined. And some days it’s hard to feel that it’s enough.

And then today hit me like a ton of bricks.

Someone I grew up with….Someone I went to high school with…..walked into my office. I hadn’t seen them in years. And suddenly, there they were. Not just the person I remembered,” but someone carrying so much weight it made my chest hurt. They told me they were struggling. They were trying to figure out how to pay off student debt and feed their family at the same time. I couldn’t breathe for a second. I wanted to cry. I wanted to fall apart. And yet I had to be strong. I had to hold it together.I gave them names and addresses of food banks in the area. They wrote it down carefully, looked at me with gratitude, thanked me, and left. When they walked out that door, I just sat there staring into space while feeling this hollow ache in my chest that hasn’t left me.

It makes me think about how unfair life is. Why do good people have to suffer? I’ll never understand it. It sits in your chest like a heavy stone. It makes me think of my mom. She came to country and spoke multiple languages. She worked. She worked hard. She worked three jobs. Harassed, ridiculed, stressed, and constantly worrying about money. Constantly worried about survival. She never got a real break. She never got to breathe, to rest, to enjoy life. She never got a vacation. She died before she could retire and before she could ever feel peace. I hate it. I hate that people like her and like so many people have to live like that. I know I’m just one person. I can’t fix the world. I can’t erase suffering. But there’s this ache inside me that won’t let me look away. I can’t sit still. I can’t turn off my heart. I have to help. I have to make people feel seen, even if it’s just for a few minutes. I have to roll up my sleeves and be there in the broken places even if I can’t fix everything.Maybe that’s why I grew up the way I did. All the scraping by, all the little heartbreaks, all the moments where the world felt too heavy. Maybe they were shaping me for this. To see people. To hear them. To offer what I can.

This Thursday, I’m attending an orientation at Nourish Pierce County. Then on Saturday, I’m driving to Sumner to volunteer at a different food bank. So far, all of the food banks and the homeless shelter that I’ve applied to volunteer at have approved me. I don’t know exactly how I’ll make it all work but I know I’ll find a way. I can’t not go. I can’t not try.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, life keeps nudging me in other directions too. A different college reached out about the possibility of me teaching as an ESL adjunct, and I’m… honestly, I’m really excited. And also terrified! I’m meeting one of the lead instructors this Friday during my lunch hour. I know in my heart that if I got this role, I could make a real difference in the lives of my students, empower them, and help them feel seen and capable in ways that matter. It’s the kind of work I’ve been longing for without even knowing it. It’s the kind of work my mom would be proud of, the kind that honors her struggles and her relentless effort to give others opportunities. I have to be honest, I’m actually really shocked I even heard back about this. I’ve been applying for business adjunct pools for years and never heard a thing. And now this? It feels almost like a small miracle, like maybe the universe is saying, “Yes, this is your next step.” And yet… I try not to get my hopes up. So many things have popped up in my life that I thought were going to happen and didn’t. So I can’t let myself get too excited. I just have to see where it goes, stay grounded, and hope that this time, maybe, it works out.

Maybe I didn’t end up with the life I imagined. Maybe I’ll never wear those gowns on a grand stage. Maybe I’ll never travel the world performing music with my husband. But maybe showing up for people, making even a small difference in someone’s day, being present, being human … maybe this is its own kind of music. Maybe this is what I was meant to do.