The Dreamer's Pen

 It sounds like I’ll probably be teaching an ESL course starting in January. When I say that out loud, it feels both exciting and humbling, like a door quietly opening into the next chapter of my life.

I’m nervous, of course. Not because I doubt my ability, but because I know how much balance this will require. I’ll be working two jobs. My full time role during the day and teaching in the evenings. My husband, an Enneagram Nine and ISFJ, works nights, so our lives already run on opposite rhythms. Soon, we’ll be weaving our days together in the small spaces that remain like quick dinners, late-night check-ins, and small but meaningful exchanges.

As a Four with a Five wing, I live mostly in the world of imagination and reflection. I love to dream, to create, and to analyze what things mean. But I’ve always struggled to embody the energy of my weaker wing, the Three, the Achiever. I admire that type’s drive and focus, yet something in me resists it. I’ve never been someone who thrives on performance or external validation. To me, the “achiever energy” can feel loud and artificial. I crave authenticity not ambition for ambition’s sake.

I know that stepping into this new season will require a different kind of discipline. It will need to be one that doesn’t feel like pretending but like growth. I don’t need to become a Three but I just need to integrate what that energy can teach me: focus, structure, and the courage to follow through.

The next two months are my window to prepare. I already meal prep since my husband and I work opposite shifts, but now I’ll need to plan more intentionally . Snacks, dinners, and routines that keep me nourished and grounded. My home office needs a reset. Right now it’s more of a storage room than a workspace. Money is tight, so I’ll make do with what I have – a card table, one monitor, and a vision for something better down the road.

But beyond the practical side, I can feel something deeper stirring. I can sense that this is about more than organization. It’s about alignment. About becoming the kind of person who can sustain what she’s been asking for.

I’ve always lived by feeling, I do things when inspiration strikes and when the energy feels right. But I’m learning that consistency can coexist with creativity. That intense structure isn’t confinement, it’s a form of care. It’s how I protect the parts of me that dream.

Maybe that’s what this next chapter is really about? Learning to hold both the wonder and the weight of what I love. To show up even when I don’t “feel” ready. To recognize that the version of me who’s organized, steady, and prepared isn’t less authentic, she’s simply a fuller expression of who I already am.

The Four in me will always crave meaning. The Five in me will always seek to understand. But maybe the Three the part I’ve long ignored for so long has been waiting for this moment. Waiting to show me that achievement doesn’t have to mean performance. It can mean presence. It can mean honoring what I’ve been trusted with.

Maybe becoming isn’t about changing who I am. Maybe it’s about finally allowing myself to hold everything I’ve been growing toward.