The Dreamer's Pen

Yesterday I had a massage that was… honestly, painful in the most delicious way. I had a different therapist this time. It was a petite woman who went deep. She found places in my back I didn’t even know existed and we breathed together as she worked, releasing tension, releasing energy I didn’t even realize I was holding onto. I walked out sore but also lighter and clearer. My mind feels like it’s had a reset, and my body, as bruised as it is today, is whispering truths to me that my brain usually ignores.

It made me think about what it really means to treat myself as a whole being. I talk about this all the time but I don’t always live it. I’m not just a brain, a stomach, a heart, or a uterus. I am an entire constellation of thoughts, feelings, aches, fears, and joys and all of it is intertwined. When my back is tight my mind is foggy. When my shoulders are hunched my spirit is heavy. When I breathe shallow my soul contracts. And I forget to honor that connection even though I know it exists.

This morning, I tried something small but different. I stayed in bed a little longer, just meditating and existing. No rushing, no planning, and no “shoulds.” And it was profoundly lovely. It reminded me that I must listen to what my body needs. Later, I thought about going to the gym just to hang off the pull-up bar to let my spine release and my body simply decompress. The idea felt nourishing in a way that words can’t fully capture.

I want to create that kind of space at home before the new year. A corner just for me with a soft rug, maybe a cozy beanbag and make it surrounded by plants and candles where I can just breathe. A place for yoga where I can stretch and move and honor the fact that my body, my mind, my spirit, and my soul are all part of the same whole. I’ve always known this but without the constant anxiety that usually drives me, I realize I have to be intentional about it. I have to make the care of myself deliberate, not just reactive.

Yesterday, I also tried to make a bullet journal. And surprise, surprise, I got stuck in the perfectionism of it. My brain overthinking, my NFJ perfectionism taking over. Maybe I need a looser planner. Maybe I just need a notebook where I can drop everything as it comes. The structure isn’t the point. The point is presence. Attention. Mindfulness. The connection between what I feel, what I need, and what I do.

Anyway, it’s Monday. I’m at work today and I am off tomorrow and I just want to pause and say thank you to the veterans out there. Your service, your courage, your selflessness, it matters. I have veterans in my family, including my dad and I feel this gratitude deeply.

So here’s to being present. To listening to our bodies, minds, and souls as the intertwined, whole beings that we are. To breathing. To releasing. To being.