The Dreamer's Pen

Okay, so… I actually got the job!!!!!! I’m officially going to be an adjunct English as a Second Language instructor at a local community college. I still don’t think it’s fully sunk in. I’m excited, like genuinely excited but also terrified.

I keep thinking about my mom. English wasn’t her first language,it might not even have been her second because she spoke German and some French too. I just know she would be so proud of me. There’s something about stepping into this role that feels very full circle. Very “her.” Very meaningful. I can almost hear her voice cheering for me.But also… wow. Reality.

I start winter quarter in January, which sounds far away but is actually RIGHT THERE. And somehow I’ve convinced myself that I need to have my entire life, house, soul, and personality organized before January 1st, which is absolutely not necessary, yet here I am putting that pressure on myself anyway. We have the holidays coming up, Thanksgiving is literally next week and my house is not how I want it.

And being who I am, when I get downtime, I drift into dream world instead of being productive. I don’t think I live in the clouds 24/7, but, you know… I might have a tendency to sit and think and imagine instead of doing the dishes. It’s classic Enneagram 4 energy.

Meanwhile, my inner 3 is basically nonexistent. I can study for hours, I can research, I can learn- that’s the 5 wing -but actual hella structured achievement? Not my natural rhythm.

I still haven’t bought a planner. I keep saying I’ll consolidate my three digital calendars into one but right now they’re acting like rival nations refusing to cooperate. I’ve been eyeing this backpack that fits a laptop and lunch because apparently that’s who I am now? A person who wants a practical adult backpack. Thankfully, my wardrobe is already streamlined and easy.

But my office… oh my gosh. It’s basically a storage space right now with a lot of my mom’s things in it and emotionally it’s a lot. But I really need a private workspace for teaching . You know somewhere away from my husband’s gaming setup and far from FERPA-unsafe ears. So I think I’m going to reclaim the old room I used when I was getting my master’s degree. It’s upstairs, quiet, and it feels like the right space to turn into my teaching sanctuary again.

Planning, though… still not my strength. Time-blocking makes me feel spiritually suffocated. I’ve tried and it just doesn’t work for my brain. But I do think I need a little more structure. Just enough so that I’m not living purely off intuition and vibes.

And yes, I’m sorry I haven’t been posting much. Life has been chaotic at work and home, and the holidays have their own energy that just adds to the whirlwind. But writing helps me, and I want to show up here more often.

Last week I went to a Chamber of Commerce holiday auction with some colleagues, and it was actually so lovely. It was held at the local country club, which tells you all you need to know about the vibe. Everyone was dressed up, the food was basically Thanksgiving dinner heaven, and I loved mingling with people from the community my college serves. The other college I’ll be teaching at is in the same city, but I’ve never seen them at these events. Not sure if they don’t participate or if I’m just missing them.

And Finally -What Do I Even Say on Day One? (Send Help)

Here’s what I keep spiraling about:

What on earth do I say on the first day of class?????????

I want it to feel authentic. I want my students to feel welcomed, supported, and comfortable. I don’t want to walk in like a robot instructor reading from a script. Yes, I have a curriculum, but I also want to build real relationships. Real trust. I keep thinking about this instructor I co-taught with at my current college for a totally different class. I absolutely loved how he’d play music before class. It broke the ice immediately. Students would walk in smiling, nodding along and the whole atmosphere felt softer, warmer, more human. I loved that. And now I’m like…

Do I do that too?

Do I play something calm or upbeat?

Or will that backfire?

I genuinely don’t know.

And then there’s the whole intro situation.

Do I tell them I’m a new instructor?

Do I tell them I’m nervous?

Do I say “We’ll learn together”?

Does that sound humble or insecure? I can’t tell anymore.

And the name thing stresses me out too. These are students from all over the world. Some names I’ve never heard before, and I don’t want to mispronounce anything. Names are important. They matter. I want to say them correctly. It makes me nervous because I care so much.

What’s ironic is that I do public speaking all the time in my current role (which I’m keeping, btw) and I’m perfectly fine with it. I actually enjoy it. But walking into a classroom as their instructor feels more vulnerable. More personal. Like it matters in a different way. Maybe I’m just overthinking everything? Which is extremely possible.

I’m hoping that once I’m in the room, once I see their faces, hear their voices, feel the energy , the right words will come. The right tone will find me. Maybe I’ll play music. Maybe I’ll mispronounce a name and we’ll laugh and fix it together. Who knows.

I just want to be genuine. I want them to feel like they’re learning with someone who actually cares about them as humans.