The Dreamer's Pen

This is all I want. It is the one thing I’m truly striving for.

Not success in the way it’s usually measured. Not productivity for the sake of proving something. Not more noise, more pressure, or more performance. What I want goes deeper than meditation, deeper than “self-care,” deeper than a few calm moments carved out of a chaotic life.

I want wholeness. I want to feel whole in my body, in my mind and in my spirit. I want to feel connected to nature, to the people around me, and to the moment I’m standing in. I want that pure, open feeling we had as children, before fear hardened us, before we learned to shrink or perform or explain ourselves away. I want to understand the world not just intellectually, but intuitively through my senses, my breath, and my presence.

I want to live surrounded by plants and color and beauty, not as an aesthetic, but because it means something to me. Because beauty feeds me. Because nature grounds me. Because I feel more myself when I’m close to things that grow, breathe, change, and decay naturally.

I want to dress freely and express who I am without apology – without being dismissed or misunderstood or reduced to a stereotype. I want freedom and respect. I don’t believe those two things should cancel each other out.

I want to be so connected that worry loosens its grip. I want to live in the present moment- not replaying the past, not bracing for the future. I want every breath to feel cleansing, like it’s bringing me back home to myself. I want the food I eat to be nourishing, and I want to actually feel that nourishment in my body, not rush through it disconnected and numb.

I want a sense of purpose – not a loud one, not a flashy one – but a quiet, steady knowing that my life makes sense from the inside out.

And here’s the thing: I know I’m not alone in wanting this.

I know so many INFJs. So many Enneagram Fours. People who feel deeply, who notice the small things, who long for meaning instead of surface level comfort. People who feel like they don’t quite fit into the world as it’s currently structured, but still desperately want to belong to something real.

We feel this ache because we’re wired for depth. We’re not satisfied with numbing ourselves through routines that drain us. We’re not fulfilled by checking boxes that don’t align with who we are. And when we ignore that longing, it doesn’t go away, it turns into exhaustion, sadness, resentment, or a quiet sense of being lost.

I’ve come to realize something uncomfortable but honest: I’m not going to find this wholeness unless I make changes.

Not someday. Not when things magically slow down. Not when I have more time, more money, or more certainty. If I keep living the same way, I’ll keep feeling the same disconnection. No amount of reflection or yearning will substitute for action.

That means changing how I spend my time. What I allow into my mind. What I say yes to and what I finally say no to. It means choosing presence over constant stimulation. Nourishment over convenience. Alignment over approval.

It means honoring this longing instead of minimizing it.

I don’t want a life that just looks fine from the outside. I want a life that feels true from the inside. A life where my inner world and outer world match. A life where I feel grounded, alive, and free.

This is all I want.

And this is the one thing I’m willing to strive for, even if it means changing everything else to get there.